The day started out normal enough at North Castle. But of course, since this is Hyrule we’re talking about, normal days were an abnormality. Anything out of the ordinary was practically normal here, so this normal day quickly became... more normal.
Two goriyas hookshot up to the castle wall, throwing boomerangs with ropes attached around the tower, getting ready to swing through the window. Two cloaked moblins entered through the kitchen, past a snoring cook, and exited, creeping along the ramparts quietly. The two cloaked figures rushed in through the door to the donjon’s topmost chamber. The two on the ramparts leapt, swinging through the open window of the donjon’s topmost chamber.
The four collided. “oWAAAoooohhh!”
The interest of the chamber’s fifth occupant was immediately drawn away from a book entitled ‘Adventure’ which he had been reading while lying on the bed. “Huh?”
One of the cloaked figures- a moblin -had picked himself up and rushed forward, only to slip on an apple core. His crossbow went off, sending the arrow ricocheting off the wall and right at one of the goriyas. The goriya barely had enough time to throw his boomerang before the arrow hit him. The boomerang spun around the chamber, hitting the first moblin. His crossbow fired again, ricocheting off the wall, aiming itself at the second goriya. The goriya ducked, and the arrow struck the second moblin who had picked himself off the floor behind the goriya. The moblin’s knife, which he had drawn just before getting hit by the arrow, plummeted down, striking the goriya still crouched on the floor.
The chamber was once again empty of anyone save for the one soul occupant of the bed with the book.
“Boy, I’m good,” Link said, and went back to reading.
“It not our fault,” said one of the moblins from inside the Evil Jar. “Stupid little goriyas all over.” He waved his hand in emphasis, smacking his fist accidentally into the other moblin’s face.
“He was in our way,” said the second moblin after recovering from the hit, “jumping in the window right on top of us.” One of the goriyas grabbed the moblin, and the two started a brawl good enough for any bar room.
Ganon watched the two fight, then threw out his hands, zapping all four with green energy. “Silence!” The four dropped down in pain. “Maybe that will shock some sense into you! Bwaaaaa!” He snapped his fingers and vanished from his spot in front of the jar.
The four looked at each other. “That not fair,” the first moblin said. “It his stupid plan.”
“Duh, yeah,” the first goriya said. “We should have come up from below instead.”
“Yeah,” the second moblin leaned back on the wreathing pink gasses like an easy chair. “But ‘no way.’ Ganon’s the boss. We gotta follow his orders. Hmph!”
“dUh... why?” the second goriya asked. “We could do better. Let’s kick him out!”
“Yeah, good idea,” the first moblin said. “And I know just how to do it. Come here.” The other three gathered around the moblin.
Ganon raised a wand in his hand. “Ahh. My Capture Staff is finished. Now for a test.” He snapped his fingers, vanishing and teleporting back to in front of the Evil Jar. “Well? Who would like to volunteer to help me test my latest device?” The two moblins shook their heads. The two goriyas stood still. “All right then, I volunteer you!” Ganon zapped the first moblin, and he reappeared floating outside the Evil Jar. Ganon used the wand in his left hand and zapped the moblin
A bubble formed around the moblin. “Oh! Hey ey! Let me- let me out!”
“It works,” Ganon softly said. “Totally impervious to magic, and completely indestructible.” He watched the bubble drop and the moblin inside bounce around.
“Ooof!” The bubble came to a stop. The moblin inside got to his hands and knees. “Amazing, Master. This bubble really indestructible?”
“Except for this!” Ganon floated to one of the Evil Jar’s support legs and put the wand down. He teleported to the bubble’s side and picked it up, bringing it with him to the glowing red Triforce on its platform. “The Triforce of Power!” The bubble touched the Triforce, popping. The moblin fell to the floor, rolling back over to where the wand leaned against the Evil Jar’s support leg. “Ah hahahahahaha! This is the perfect thing to trap Zelda with, and no magic of mine can free her!”
The moblin looked at the wand next to him and looked back at Ganon.
“Yeah hahahahaha!” Ganon laughed. “Once again, my plan is perfect”
The moblin picked up the wand and twirled it. “We tired of your plans, Ganon.” Ganon jerked back in surprise. “So now, the laughs on you!” The moblin zapped Ganon with the wand, encasing Ganon in a bubble.
“Dyaaaa! I’ll get you!” Ganon snapped his fingers, vanishing... but reappearing inside the bubble. He tried again, with the same result. “Blast! I can’t get out!” The moblin smiled. Ganon zapped the bubble with his green electric magic, but it bounced off and hit him. “Dyaaa! Let me out! You’ll pay for this, you traitors!”
The moblin removed one of the slabs from the floor, vast amounts of light came up briefly. “No way, Boss.” He walked over and pushed the bubble over to the uncovered hole. “We taking over,” he shoved the bubble into the hole, “and you dropping out. Heha hehahahaha!”
“No! No! Not the bottomless pit!” The bubble continued down, past the pit’s open bottom, into a bigger pit- straight down to Hyrule’s center. “Nooooo!”
The moblin shoved the top of the Evil Jar slightly. “He gone,” he said into the jar. “Everybody out.” All the monsters came up, laughing and cheering. The moblin dropped, followed by the second moblin. “It up to us now,” he said to the other moblin. “We must make plans. Here, hold this,” he handed the wand to the other moblin. “And don’t drop it.”
“Don’t what?” the second moblin asked.
“Drop it, stupid!”
“Whatever you say,” the second moblin dropped the wand, breaking it.
The first moblin turned around, facing the second. “Oooooh! Now I know how Ganon feel!”
“Dnaaaooooo!” Ganon yelled, the bubble continued on downward. “Those vermin traitors. What are they up to? Dnaaoooooooo!” The bubble continued down.
Several monsters shoved the large bronze bat statue off the top of the Evil Jar. It crashed, breaking on the floor, and even more monsters came out of the jar. “Hahaha! Yehaaa!” They mingled on the floor, and started talking and enjoying their freedom. It looked like a costume party of people who haven’t seen each other in years.
Two green eyed gohmas grabbed the legs of the Evil Jar and dragged it across the floor. “That’s it,” the first moblin said, standing on Ganon’s throne. “Take Evil Jar! It’s ours now! Take it to another cavern!” He ran down the stairs from the throne and jumped onto the top of the Evil Jar, next to a stalfo, a vire, and a gibdo. All the monsters on the floor walked along side the moving Evil Jar. Perched on the rim of the jar, the moblin exclaimed, “We rule underworld now! And first thing we do is get revenge on Link and Zelda! Huh?” The moblin noticed the approaching stalactite just in time to be knocked inside the jar as the jar moved under the stalactite. “Whaaaaaaaaaaaa!”
“Hmmmm... so?” Zelda sat in a chair, in her room.
Link held up his hands. “So I’m just lying there, right? And then suddenly, from the window, I hear this crash.”
Suddenly, from the window came a crash.
Zelda turned to face the noise. “Goodness! You certainly tell a realistic story!”
A rock with a note rolled over to Link’s feet. “Hey! A note!” He picked it up, untied the note and tossed the rock aside. “It says: Princess Zelda, surrender or be destroyed. Sighed: The Brotherhood of Underworld Monsters.”
“Hhhhuhhhhh!” Zelda gasped. “Link! Look at this!” She pointed out the window.
Link joined her. “Uh oh...” Seeing what laid out there, “Uh... Princess...” The castle was surrounded by legions upon legions of monsters. There were several wooden battle towers, lots of ladders, catapults... “Looks like it’s going to be a busy day.”
“Ganon’s monsters have surrounded the castle,” Zelda said... a bit obvious, but she was the princess and was allowed to state the obvious. “But where’s Ganon? I don’t see him anywhere.”
Link turned to face the princess. “I have a feeling Ganon’s got his own troubles.”
Ganon zapped the still descending bubble, again the zap bounced back and hit him. “Dow Ow! Blast! I’m still falling! And none of my magic will get through this bubble. ...ack... But maybe... That’s it! My magic will still work inside the bubble! I’ll make a balloon to float me back up again.” He waved his hand, and a second bubble appeared inside the first. The second bubble filled, shoving Ganon against the sides, sandwiched between the two bubbles. “It works! I’m rising!” He snorted, pig style. “And soon, I shall have my revenge!”
The first moblin walked down the line, zolas lined on one side of the log, gibdos lined on the other. The second moblin was standing on the log. “Okay, you charge on my signal. We go up, break castle gate when I signal like this,” he demonstrated.
The gibdos and zolas picked up the log and started charging.
The first moblin started running after them. “No! Wait! It too far! Not now! Wait, I said!”
The gibdos and zolas tired, slowed, and barely made it to the gate. When the log tapped the gate, they all fell. The second moblin who had been perched on the log fell off. “Oh, you idiots!”
Link stood on the window sill, Magical Sword in one hand, rope in the other. “Wait, Link,” Zelda held up a hand. “We may not need a hero to fight off this attack.” She turned to face Link. “We may not even need you.”
“Well, excuuuuuuse me, Princess!”
“Ah! Ha ha! Look over there!” she pointed while laughing.
“We show them we mean business!” the moblin standing in front of several stalfos said. “Get ready to fire on castle!”
A goriya directed a group of vires into the air, hefting octorocks in their claws. The octorocks spat rocks at the castle. “Duh, my monster bombers are going to get them.”
“Fire!” The moblin signaled the stalfos to fire. Their arrows shot up... shooting the vires and octorocks. “Oops! This job harder than I thought!”
“Ah hahaha!” Link had gotten off the window sill and was standing next to the princess. “I see what you mean, Princess! These dimwits are beating themselves!”
“C’mon,” Zelda said. “Let’s go find out what Ganon’s up to.” She ran off away from the window with Link following.
A ladder slammed into the side of the castle wall. Darknuts gathered at the bottom, climbing up one by one... one for every rung. The ladder collapsed under their weight. “Oh oh ah, I told you so!” the first goriya said to the second.
“Why should I listen to an airhead like you?” the second goriya asked.
“Airhead? Take this potato brain!” The two started fighting, kicking the dirt up in a comic cloud.
The moblin jumped up onto a rock in front of the slingshot catapults. In his hand was an unlit bomb. “Now. When I say fire...”
The lionels sliced the ropes. One of the rocks smashed into the moblin, taking him along for the ride.
“Ung... No- not yeeeeeeeeeeeeet! Whoaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!” He landed in the courtyard fountain.
Link and Princess Zelda watched him fly over their heads and come down, having just exited into the courtyard. They ran up to the fountain. “Hey, moblin!” Link said to the monster, “This is the stupidest attack Ganon ever cooked up!”
“Not Ganon,” the moblin shook his head. “We get rid of him. We in charge now.”
“Ganon’s... gone?” Zelda asked.
Link and Zelda looked at each other. “Let’s go get his Triforce!” they said in unison.
“C’mon!” Link said to Zelda, passing her on his way, “there’s an old underworld entrance in the dungeon.” Both ran off... Link dashed back. “Oops... almost forgot.” He zapped the moblin, snatching the unlit bomb the moblin had been holding. He and Zelda ran into the dungeon and jumped down an open hole.
“Mwmhmhmhmhm! Almost to the top,” Ganon was still squished between the two bubbles. “Soon... revenge!”
Link and Zelda stepped into the underworld’s main chamber. “Shoot,” Link said. “What a piece of cake. The whole underworld’s deserted and Ganon’s gone. Practically makes a hero want to retire.” He sheathed his sword. “Hhhhuhhh!” he gasped, looking behind Zelda.
Zelda turned. “Link! A dodongo!”
Link shoved Zelda out of the way, then jumped back in the opposite direction. As the dodongo passed, Link drew his sword and shot it, drawing its attention. The dodongo charged. Zelda chucked the bomb obtained earlier into the dodongo’s mouth. The dodongo vanished. “You saved us, Princess,” Link walked to Zelda. “Kiss me.”
“Ah hahahahahaha! Link, let’s go.”
Link shrugged. “It was worth a try.”
Zelda dashed up to the red Triforce, followed by Link. “Awh! The Triforce of Power! At last I will have both Triforces and our kingdom will be safe forever!”
“Hmmm... And I’ll be out of a job,” Link mussed.
“Don’t you dare!” Ganon shouted. The bubble he was in rose out of a hole in the floor. He popped the second bubble and it landed next to the hole.
Link and Zelda turned. “Ganon!” Zelda exclaimed.
“That Triforce is mine!” Ganon shouted. “I stole it fair and square!” His hands came up and two large green electric bolts lashed out. They bounced off the inside of the bubble and hit him. “Ow! Ohoo oooohh! I keep forgetting I can’t do that!”
“Oh you can’t, eh?” Link walked over to the bubble. “Ha ha! Here’s where we have some fun, Princess!” He picked up the bubble Ganon was in and started tossing it up and down.
“Put me down, you insolent worm!”
“Link,” Zelda said, as if scolding a school age boy. “Stop fooling around. Let’s get the Triforce and get out of here.”
Link tossed the bubble above his head. “Aw, c’mon, Princess. Lighten up!” He tossed the bubble at Zelda. “Here, have a ball!”
“Ahhh!” Zelda tried shoving the bubble away...
It landed on the Triforce of Power and popped. Ganon tumbled to the ground and got up. Zelda dashed away from him. “Ooop,” Link said. “Oh... now I’ve done it...”
Ganon rose, blue energy danced out from his body. Link and Zelda ran away from him. He tossed a blue energy bolt at them, missing them. The dust cloud from the missed bolt followed them out of the hole as they climbed back into the castle dungeon. “Any other time,” Ganon growled, “I would pursue you insects! Aaooooh! But there are others I wish to deal with first!”
“Form up! Form up! We try again!” the moblin called out to the monsters, lying in various heaps amid the smoldering rubble. The monsters just laid and moaned. A faint cloud descended upon the monster army. The moblin looked at it before covering his eyes. “Uh oh... somebody let the boss out...” The cloud gathered up all the monsters and vanished back to the underworld.
Ganon stood before his monsters, all of them kneeling before him. “You traitors will pay for your insolence, NOW!” He pointed at them with his left hand. He looked around at the chamber. “This place is a mess!” A mess was an understatement. The monsters had left the chamber a virtual disaster zone. “I want it cleaned up!... with your tongues.”
The monsters looked up in oh no expressions. They obligingly lowered and started licking the floor.
Link walked over to Zelda, on the floor in the dungeon. She snapped around. “Nnnhhh! Don’t touch me! I’m not speaking to you!”
“Aw... c’mon, Princess...”
“No!” Zelda got up. “We almost had the Triforce! It was right there! But noooooo! You had to start messing around.” She pointed an accusing finger at Link.
Link stepped backwards. “I know, I know. It was all my fault. S- so there’s only one thing I can say, I guess.”
Zelda frowned. “And that is?”
“Excuuuuuuuuuuuuse me, Princess.”
“OOOooohhhrrrrrrrrr!” Zelda clenched her fists in anger. She picked up an empty bucket and slammed it onto Link’s head. She walked away.
“Oh well, at least I still have a job,” Link shrugged.