Kiss N Tell

Summary Courtesy of The Unofficial Captain N Homepage


Zelda is riding on a horse by herself, muttering to herself about how lazy Link is to still be asleep. All of a sudden, she sees a black-haired maiden being captured by a 3-headed Gleeok. Out of Zelda's earshot, the maiden and the Gleeok are revealed to actually be pulling off an act for Ganon. Zelda, unaware of this, proceeds to rescue the maiden, but the maiden refuses because she wants to be rescued by a "handsome hero". Link suddenly appears, and the maiden seems happy to see him. Link leaps upon one of the Gleeok's heads, and the other two heads destroy each other during their attempt to breathe fire upon Link. Link falls down and grabs the tail of the Gleeok, but the Gleeok starts to spin around, chasing its tail and attempting to breathe fire upon Link. Zelda saves Link by tossing a banana peel at the Gleeok, which slips and falls down, and Link is able to destroy it. Link introduces himself to the maiden, who offers to kiss Link for saving her. Zelda acts rather jealous, but Link still allows the maiden to kiss him. When she does, a spell is cast, causing the maiden to revert back to her original Gibdo form, and Link to turn into a frog. The Gibdo laughs maniacally, telling Link that Ganon's plan worked perfectly. Link tries to use his sword to destroy the Gibdo as the Gibdo charges him, but Link discovers that his hands have suddenly changed (he is still unaware that he is a frog). Zelda shoves Link out of the way and destroys the Gibdo by pulling on her bandages and unravelling them. In the Underworld, Ganon congratulates the Gleeok and Gibdo when they arrive in the Evil Jar for carrying out his instructions so well. He then proceeds to carry out the next phase of his plan and teleports away. Zelda escorts Link to a pond to show him what happened to him. He is very horrified, but Zelda tries to comfort him and assures him that she is still his friend. Ganon, hiding in a nearby cave, is watching all this and finally decides to break up Link and Zelda's friendly embrace by shooting a fireball at them. The force sends the two flying apart from each other, and Ganon shoots another fireball at Link. Link leaps out of the way, but hits his head on the branch of the tree he lands under, and falls unconscious. An Octorok captures Zelda. She notices Ganon approaching Link and tells him to leave Link alone, but Ganon refuses. He summons two Deelers and orders them to destroy Link, while he takes Zelda back to his domain. After Ganon, the Octorok, and Zelda have left, Link suddenly becomes conscious again. He sees the two Deelers before him, grabs both of them with his frog's tongue, and eats them. Then he realizes what he has done and feels disgusted. He returns to the castle and tries to disguise himself in a robe that is obviously too large for him. Spryte enters the room and tries to look for Link. Link reluctantly shows Spryte what happened to him and tells her that Ganon has Zelda, and asks her to help him. They consult the Triforce of Wisdom, which tells them that they must find the Witch of Walls, and that to find her, they must "seek the wall that has no end beneath the bough that cannot bend". Link and Spryte search for what the Triforce of Wisdom told them to find, but he insists that the wall they are following ends just beneath a tree. Spryte disagrees because the wall actually goes into the ground, and she also confirms that the tree they are under is an Autumnwood tree, which cannot be bent. Suddenly, a figure detaches itself from the wall, startling both Link and Spryte. The figure, which happens to be the Witch of Walls, shoos Spryte away and then proceeds to diagnose Link. She tells him that to be cured, he must be kissed by a princess of her own free will. Link feels doubtful that Zelda will do it, but hopes desperately that she will. In the meantime, Ganon tells Zelda, who is shackled to a stalagmite, that her ransom consists of the Triforce of Wisdom and "perhaps a little kiss". Zelda is so disgusted that she tries to kick Ganon (in vain, of course) and tells him that Link will save her. Ganon replies that Link is already "spider food". Unbeknownst to either of them, Link and Spryte are eavesdropping from an overhead part of the cave. Link says something about trying to find a way to rescue Zelda, and Ganon somehow hears him and proceeds to find him. Link shoots down the locked door to Zelda's chamber and cuts open her manacles (continuity error here, since Link is supposedly unable to use his sword). He tells her that to be cured, she must kiss him willingly. She seems reluctant, but finally agrees. Just as they are about to kiss, Ganon suddenly appears and shoots a fireball at them, once again separating them. While he tries to capture Zelda again, Spryte feels sorry for Link and kisses him, which happens to make him human again. Ganon is surprised as Link uses his sword to shoot a tapestry which falls upon Ganon and temporarily blinds him. Then Link shoots another blast at the ground near Ganon, creating a hole which Ganon falls through. Link, Zelda, and Spryte escape before Ganon recovers. On their way back to the castle, Link tells Spryte and Zelda that he is surprised that Spryte's kiss cured him. Spryte admits that since her father is the king of the faeries, she happens to be a princess. Zelda is so grateful that Link is not a frog anymore that she offers to kiss Link anyway. Just as they are about to do so, Link hears a fly, grabs it, and eats it. He realizes what he has just done and spits it out, but Zelda is now too disgusted to kiss him.